memories...

I am running outta time... I am... and the run is crazy... Endless nights, the bent vertebrate, caffeine addiction, gargantuan syllabus, entrances to appear for, beautiful rendezvous', minty femina take offs :), photostats... but i want this time to stop, stop forever... for all my petty quibbles about college life, it has given me a lot and it'l all end... and memories are all that'l be left...

blurry images...

Flights, although not the most comfortable means to travel has a different feel to it.. Staring into the blue abyss, into an almost surreal world, the desire to free fall, the meandering thoughts, the wish to run amok into the white, the changing topographies, the strange comfort of the unfamiliarity, life for those two hours is idyllic, peaceful... 

And at nights the all pervading dark although is a lil depressing, the beauty of looking at the city below is beyond words, as if the stars have come down for you, and you are going to a world far off, away from the dreariness, away from things that have held you back... it definitely gets the poet out of me...

Chennai was a welcome break and had a good end to it... the beach making me miss company of a certain somebody... sigh, but chennai's behind me and i am back to the mundane and the run around... but somewhere down even the mundane is peaceful...

Why do we call other people lucky? Why do we wish to be in their place in their moment of happiness and wish the contrary when a tragedy befalls them? I've learnt my lesson of never wanting to switch chairs or calling them lucky...

The end has begun... The freshers this time made for memories of a different kind... Sigh, college is coming to an end, you realise.. As my friends say, 21 is not the age you really want to be in... well, sorry I couldn't get the dreary tone out of this post. We live a disillusioned existence, we run after things we think will give us happiness only to realise how fate can screw things so badly... there's bitter after taste even after a job...

"the catches of life are like salt on raw wound..."

such is life...

life is strange.. life is a big joke...

Made it through dunnhumby written, only to be eliminated hook line sinker from the case study... i sucked big time... absolutely clueless, with the talk around me.. i was pathetic...and surprisingly i was pretty confident today, unlike my usual nerve wreck self... I was ready to talk shit but not take shit... and shit happened big time...

As the scene unfolded, I realised how stupid i was, was it'd really take time for me become this aggressive, take initiative to talk, the world will not stop for me, to take me in, to hear my voice.. I have to fight for myself... And I found the big fakers, the pretenders... people who act so cool about everything..."yaar maine toh padha hi nai hai".."pata nai mai kyaa kehke aayi hun case study mein.."...".. IIFT ke paper mein guess work karke aaungi..."  "Viva ke liye kuch padha nai hai.." I mean baby why the pretense... Wear what you are on your sleeve... and be proud of it...

And I look so outta place in my kurta when the placements are on... People in trousers, corpo skirts, coats et al... And I look like a khadi wearing hag.. I guess i've been this way a lil too long, to get the kurta outta me...

"Life is kooky.. life is kinky... and kicks the shit outta you, I realised...."  :)

Soft spoken with a broken jaw ... Step outside but not to brawl...

Well Life's been pretty normal... I'm cutting down on my belligerent self.. or probably I've calmed down.

Sometimes I just find myself at odds with the promises I make for myself because try as i might I can't be the perfectionist I want to be. I find it really difficult accepting people for their flaws like i was the epitome of everything perfect. *sigh*

So its a beautiful morning, its chotti Diwali today and Mom and Dad have left for work :(... And I in no time will go back to the usual, regression and economic depression rides high in life. Mom's started keeping tabs on the amount she lends me out or probably I've become an expensive kid.

And I so desperately need a haircut, the limp boring long tresses ain't brightening me or probably the colourful hair bands are... And right now I am sneezing away to glory, this dust allergen is making my life and the lives of mortals around me hell. Its like a faucet going hay wire.

So i watched Wake up Sid with Puscha last week.. Amazing movie, a must watch.. Finally I find Ranbir Kapoor cute and Rahul Khanna seems to have lost out a lil on his charm...hmmmm...  Nothing much to report.. over and out...

ps: just warming up my writing skills...

puppy love...

Finally caught sight of a pup after a really long time especially after the MCD go sterile drive for stray dogs, man abuses his control a lil too much... While he humps away to glory with the andar and bahar wali...

So life has been decent.. Thanks to Puscha's bday treat, where she treated me to rich chocolate shake, shawarma, pasta, pizza and rounded it off with golgappa... I took her to school, walked through winding green lanes (well they are still not a thing of the past in Delhi)... Talked about dogs and homes we'd like to have, laughed... The next day went in for an Iftar party... the food was heavenly... the melt in the mouth galoti kebab, absolutely delicious biryani, the raita, the sewaiyan.. But life hit rock bottom with "whats your Rashee??" kinda surprises u that Ashutosh Gowariker was the guy who got u Lagaan and Swades... I guess creativity in India is also imported that too with heavy excise duty, so much so we suck at cut copy past even... So life's been all about vegetable maggi evenings, vacuous stares, languid nights.. my vocabulary seems to have become redundant and therefore I've taken heavily to neologisms for the inarticulate, with a more than decent amount of "you knows" thrown in and pauses and breaks... btw Soha Ali makes for a really eloquent talker, saw this interview of hers on Headlines today, where she kept stumping Koel Purie off and Koel's only saving grace was her less than graceful smile...

Durga puja has been an almost non affair for me, just the occasional drop in for the bhog and ogling, well what do you expect from this glutton and voyeur... Nothing more to report... over and out...

reflections...

My life's proclivity to to suck continues its streak. Screwed my mid semesters, probably because all of it was last minute. And How I met your mother was a welcome break for me. Earlier I never really got around to understand why it was such a craze, and i stayed away from it mainly because everybody was watching it, but I guess even the antibodies I was blessed with couldn't save themselves the epidemic. I am still jobless, i still suck at my MBA preparations. I have said that so many times not it no longer bothers unless I hear somebody score in the latest mock. Statistics are spouted with such pride as if they were the ones making them.

Btw I don't think political correctness to be the best thing to squirm yourself out of a confrontation and of course letting your dear gf 'momming' you around such a good idea. I mean I know most people have their best interests in mind, but please I like some time out of my own. I don't always like to have a fake smile just so that you don't ask what was the reason for the lack of dental display. I like being sad when there is nobody to ask me the reason for it. I have my own messed up head to handle can u please move away from the muck. Probably i am a loner in the garb of being this jabber wok. No matter how much you try to cheer me up, its only when i choose to be happy that I become one. I dissect and dissect and read in between lines, go so much in to the details, the most off hand of statements are as acerbic as they can get. Sigh.

And you know, always doing the right thing does not mean life will spare you its screw up. Life is a whore, it belly dances to your God-forsaken luck. And expects you to enjoy it like a connoisseur, hold your drinks up and savour every moment of it.

Been lazying around the entire weekend, been on facebook for almost 24X7, but am usually offline. Sifting through random pics, its such a bad idea. Listening to songs my lil sis recommends, she's come a long way since 'kambakkt ishq'. Infact I did not have such refined tastes back when i was her age. But the songs are such a welcome. so life's been pretty much the same. Meeting a dear friend of mine today. Hoping ti cheers me up.

"I should've been chasing you
I should've been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me

I should've said all the things
That I kept inside of me
Maybe I could've made you believe
That what we had was all we'd ever need"


 - Lady Antebellum "all we'd ever need"

Of rains and insouciance...

Had the most beautiful evening of my college life yesterday, thanks to Micey and Yogi bear... The walk to the mech canteen in the light drizzle with Micey and then being joined by yogi bear... the talk of our childhood, about cartoons we returned home to... the days of doordarshan and then the advent of cable tv, cartoon network, tales spin, Mowgli, powerpuff girls, dexter... Yesteryears spent enjoying Govinda movies, the absolute surrealism reeking on catastrophic flights of imagination of Indian cinema, the hideousness we went gaga over and then the slow refining of tastes in movies and music alike or just looking at the moving rain laden clouds, watching the playful flirting of dogs.

    The talk of what our lives had become now, the run for a job, the absolute shit holes we were in right now, we all had our share of problems, and ranting was all we could do... that was what I was doing more... Our ruminations on life and our inadequacies... And then the downpour, and the run on a whim to get drenched... we were soaking wet by the end of it all, jumping on puddles, splashing water on each other... It was all so beautiful... never had I enjoyed the rains this much... And all this when exams were just four days away and we'd not even started studying for them I guess just added more to the fun factor..

     And then the luke warm maggi in the canteen... Life couldn't make any more beautiful experiences... It was sheer bliss... the face towards the inky blue night sky and the feel of rain drops on my face... And you realise how what we run after is so shallow, so frivolous but important for the fact that it was part of the real world and there is no running away from the toil of life... You can only give back when you have something in hand... for all my romanticism an empty hand can give nothing...

    And then the drive back to the metro station with rapunzel, with the music on high, karoaking to the songs, through the pot holed roads, again in the rains... its been beautiful... loosing myself to the deluge and the greenery, watching wet birds take flight, a scared wet mongrel run for cover... Could life get anymore idyllic..probably if I had a job in hand as well... that is how cruel life can get.. sigh... 

"May it rain again...
 May there be more such evenings..."

Decoding the coding of my life...

ahhh so well, the feeling of being mediore just seems to be resounding back again and again.. The pre placement talk gives me the feeling of being from outter space, with the loud talk on some gibberish computer language and how my fellow batchmates have figured things out so well in their lives and ofcourse their pompous asses just fart their way through the ramble. The only thing I enjoy is the written test which i've still not cracked for the three companies I've already sat for, morality can be a big issue I guess, or i am just plain dumb. I cannot for one imagine myself in the comporate attire the HR chicks wear, nor am i that confident. Hmmm after every failure I question myself, am I that mediocore, that pedestrian to be screwing things up this way. I feel out of place that is what i know, three years of environmental engineering where I was made to study water, sewage, air, soil etc and when all of a sudden you are bombarded with jobs only in the IT sector and people who know what they want and doing way too well, I feel like a squid out of water, ready to taken to the frying pan. my failures sicken me and whatever lil that I work towards acheiving something feels so stupid so futile, why am I even doing this, I'l only lose again... For once I want to taste unadulterated success with absolutley no catch to it... I don't know if I make too much of myself is this garb of being so under confident. If my hubris is getting to me, all I know is my wait i guess will be a lot longer but hopefully it'l compensate for the wait. I am just plain tired wiht whichever way my life is working out.

Miss independent...

(c) Kari by Amruta Patil

Well the wish to be independent is growing by the day. The idea of earning my own money, spending it the way i want to. Having my own pad to myself, doing it up my way. I wouldn't mind coming back to an empty home, cooking up for myself. Working through the night or just crashing. Having my friends over for the night and talking through the night. But all of it from my own hard owned money, no penny passed down to me. Buying a hatch back for myself, sedans or SUVs never worked for me.

Apart from all of the material aspect to being all to myself, I'd like to fend all for myself. Learning to live in a new city, meeting new people who are not even remotely related to my past. I'd want a new beginning starting from scratch. From finding my own accommodation, to locating the local kirana store, to finding a good book store or/and library and a cafe. And I guess I'd not want any men in my life then, at least nobody I could reach out to immediately, I'd want to deal with my own upheavals, my own happiness, cross roads on my own without this instinctive grab for an arm (my hand does have a mind of his own), ask my friends.

Watch the kind of movies I have so long missed out on, go for theatre (probably 'befriend' a cute theatre actor) and classical music concerts. Buy my first dress from my own money. And with my independence I don't want to loose myself either, I don't want to turn fickle. And most importantly have space of my own, a place i can call my own, where the mess and orderliness would all be mine. My space would reflect the way I chose my life to be and the person I was. Have a window with a ledge and no graillings, have shelves and shelves of books and a coffee mug and a low level bed and plants in the balcony especially creepers is what I'd love, A balcony where i could soak in the rain and watch kids play in the evening and reminisce the insouciance of childhood, read poetry by the window. Sigh. So much for my romanticism and so much for my dreams. And my dream city in India would be Kolkatta. I'd love the mystique of the city, the decrepit look it bears but still carrys aristocracy with elan. The beauty in imperfection which it so perfectly embodies.

lil joys...

Life's been going nowhere. I have been going nowhere. My raving and ranting has become almost quotidian. I still fail to see the silver lining or the light beyond the tunnel, or have I just become photo-phobic. And with each fall I become all the more misanthropic. The dissonance seems to grow by the day, my pride taking a dive with every passing moment. I don't think I am still doing enough. My incompetence was never this badly exposed. I screwed yet another exam, to believe it is divine intervention to make me believe I am made more other things if not better. Poetry of course now no longer eludes me. That is one thing I find solace in. I know its not much but at least the rhyme scheme has improved I can go beyond ab ab. I want to get back to my old funny eccentric self, i want to get rid of the writers block I have been suffering from since long, prose no longer comes that easy to me.

Yesterday I saw two lame birds, struggling to even stand properly to enjoy the drizzle and somewhere I too had become a lame bird, in both senses of the word. Only the cute beagle who was out for a walk could bring the smile back in, with his flapping ears and the nonchalant jig, sniffing around with an air of superiority looking down on the stray dog lurking around. Dogs are the most wonderful pets you can ever have, they give just so much back to you for the lil food that you give them, try giving food to the stray mongrel in your locality and even he'd make you happy after a long rough day, humping all through the way, wagging his tail in crazy circles, making love lorn noises, as if trying to say "where were you the entire day??". Sigh.

To travel in a rickshaw in a drizzle wallowing in your thoughts is an experience you should not miss out on. having a sing song commuter on the metro sitting right next to you, worth the distraction. Finding your way through unknown areas through the damp weather bliss. I had my lil joys today till an exam screwed it all. Right now all i want is to enjoy the rain again, like i did as a kid. wading through water logged roads, with no rain coat or umbrella in hand, just the occasional burst of laughter with my girl friends. or just enjoying a good movie or meeting up with a friend over coffee and for once talking about utilitarian philosophy on love, heart breaks, on this cruel world, of making new beginnings, of getting over a hang over, of the great Buddhist philosophy on detachment, about books, talking on the great Indian hypocrisy and democracy. Not doing a job which makes up a bank account but robs you of all your finer sensibilities, makes you loose touch with nature, art, philosophy. Does not sensitise you, makes you go to the gym but not for walks in the park. Sigh. Anyway hoping i keep the long posts going from now on. :)